Roller Coaster

You know, it took me years to really enjoy roller coasters. I hated going on them when I was a kid and I would usually sit and wait for my family while they rode. Then as I got older I discovered that they weren't so bad, and I actually started to enjoy them. Now I am on the worst Roller Coaster ride ever, and it is going to keep going until Duncan is home, and then it will probably continue until he has been home a while.

Our little guy keeps having up and down days. Yesterday he was having a hard time breathing. He had a little episode that really freaked me out. His lungs are just so little and they take time to grow. The Dr. (the one I like better) was there and she said that lungs grow until we are 8 years old, (makes sense) and it is long process. We have to be patient. I hate that I have to be patient, I want him to grow and get better right now. But it won't happen like that and I will have to learn to be patient. We now know that he loves to be on his tummy. This is his favorite position to be in. He is gaining weight. He is at 1lb. 14oz and they have increased his feeding to 2cc's every 3 hours. He is doing well, the hole in his heart is closed and we hope that it will stay closed. I have to stay postive, it is hard at times, but I know he is going to be okay. It is just scary when you see him not doing well.

Please keep praying for Duncan and pray for him that his lungs will grow and develop so that he can go off the oxygen.

New Template

I hope you like my change. I had to do something different, something that was a little brighter and more cheerful to me. I like the colors. For some reason green right now is my favorite color.

A few thoughts

So, yesterday was not a great day for me. Duncan had a good day, but for me it was a little depressing. I had to go to the Dr. to have my incision looked at. While I was there the nurse was asking me a lot of questions about how I felt and I'm just thinking, how does one NOT get depressed when going through this. She told me if I started to feel a lot of "Baby Blues" to call and let them know. It's hard to be at the Dr. anyway because I really miss being pregnant. I really feel like I was cheated of the full experience. It was really hard the first few days. I didn't even want to put my maternity clothes on, it was really hard to put them on and there was no belly to fill in the front of the shirt. I still have clothes that have tags on them because I didn't have a chance to wear them.

Then I go to the hospital and Duncan is doing well. The thing is that the Dr. comes and talks to me, and I understand that Dr.'s don't want to give families false hope and they have to tell you all the possible outcomes, but really, I understand what could happen and that he is going to have down days. She tells me a good thing and then follows it up with 3 things that could happen. For example here is what she told me yesterday, it went something like this: "I"m really happy with what he is doing, his settings are a little high but that is to be expected. He wasn't given the best medicines at the other hospital and you didn't get a steroid shot, but he is doing well for his size." Then "now we just have to be concerned with infections such as pneumonia. We don't want him to get that(duh). He is doing really well with the food, he seems to tolerate it, but that could change and we might have to take him off and on it several times. We took the line out of his arm because his hands were looking white and babies have been known to loose fingers because of this!!!" WHAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! This is why I would rather not talk to the Dr. and just the nurses. I have been told that she is the best Dr., but if anything falls off my baby there will be a lawsuit.

It is so emotionally draining. I have a lot of feelings of guilt and I'm still recovering from surgery. I just want this summer to go by quickly so I can take my baby home.

Sleepy boy

We recorded Duncan sucking on his pacifier. He really enjoys his binky when he is trying to go to sleep. He also holds onto it. He keeps his hands close to his face and ears and sometimes when he doesn't have a binky, he sucks on his fingers.

Super Baby

Today Duncan got his first pacifier. He loved it! As soon as she put it in his mouth he started sucking on it. The nurse thought it would really help to keep him calm.

Our first family picture. Not exactly where I would like it to be taken, but it will do for now.

I bought this bib the day before Mothers day. My mom, sister Suzi and my niece Aubree and I went to Scottsdale for two reasons, to register at Babies R Us and go to this really cool maternity clothes store called Destination Maternity, my mother-in-law gave me gift cards for there, and they sale some baby clothes and they had this bib. I had to buy it. If you don't know Justin is a huge Superman fan, so I thought his son needed it. Now I'm so glad I got it for him, because he is Super Baby.

He gave us a little scare yesterday. They had to put him on an Oscillator breathing machine. X-rays showed that he wasn't getting enough oxygen to his lungs so they put him on that machine and they thought that he would be on it for a couple of days or weeks, but they took him off of it in the middle of the night. When I got to the hospital and saw him on that machine I freaked out a little. It was shaking his chest and it looked so scary. Justin called his cousin and he came to the hospital and they gave him a blessing. I think it was what he needed. They told us when Duncan went to the St. Joe's that he had a hole in his heart, and the last couple of days they have been giving him medication to close the hole. An Eco showed that the hole was closing, and I think that is what caused the problems yesterday. Today the nurse practitioner said she thought that the hole closing is what caused yesterdays episode as well because the hole closing changes everything that is going on in his little chest. My mom says he has to let us know he is the boss. The thing is that even when I was in labor and scared and I was scared seeing Duncan yesterday I always get this feeling and the same thing goes through my mind, "he is going to be okay, everything is going to be fine," and I feel peace. I know that Heavenly Father is looking out for him and I truly believe that he is going to be fine.

Today he had an awesome day nurse, Monica. She let us change his diaper and I got to clean his eyes and mouth. I also got to pick him up and hold him while she moved his "nest" around. She was so nice and informative. I just love our little peanut. He opens his eyes and looks at us and I just talk to him and let him know I am there. I love watching Justin with him. He always watches the nurses care for him and asks if what their doing is going to hurt him, is the tape being pulled too tight,etc. Justin has been a trooper through all of this. He took 2 weeks off work so he could be with us, he was at the hospital all day with Duncan when I was in the hospital and he goes at times when I can't. He loves his son so much. He told me the other night that he knows Duncan hasn't been with us that long, but he just couldn't imagine our family without him. See, he does have a soft side to that rough exterior.

Eyes open

Duncan opened his eyes for us while we were holding him. He is so adorable. He kept looking at us and he would close his eyes and then open them to make sure we were still there. Justin was standing over me and Duncan kept looking at him trying to find the voice. I can't wait until he can come off the oxygen and everyone can see his cute little mouth. We are excited to go today and hold him kangaroo style.

A good day

We went to see Duncan today and we were so excited when they asked us if we wanted to hold him. Of course we want to hold him. They had to get him all ready for us to hold and then they placed him in my arms. It was so amazing. He is so little. He kept looking at me and Justin. He would close his eyes then open them again like he was checking to make sure we were still there. He is so sweet and precious to us and we love him so much. He still has a long way to go, please keep praying for him.