A few thoughts

So, yesterday was not a great day for me. Duncan had a good day, but for me it was a little depressing. I had to go to the Dr. to have my incision looked at. While I was there the nurse was asking me a lot of questions about how I felt and I'm just thinking, how does one NOT get depressed when going through this. She told me if I started to feel a lot of "Baby Blues" to call and let them know. It's hard to be at the Dr. anyway because I really miss being pregnant. I really feel like I was cheated of the full experience. It was really hard the first few days. I didn't even want to put my maternity clothes on, it was really hard to put them on and there was no belly to fill in the front of the shirt. I still have clothes that have tags on them because I didn't have a chance to wear them.

Then I go to the hospital and Duncan is doing well. The thing is that the Dr. comes and talks to me, and I understand that Dr.'s don't want to give families false hope and they have to tell you all the possible outcomes, but really, I understand what could happen and that he is going to have down days. She tells me a good thing and then follows it up with 3 things that could happen. For example here is what she told me yesterday, it went something like this: "I"m really happy with what he is doing, his settings are a little high but that is to be expected. He wasn't given the best medicines at the other hospital and you didn't get a steroid shot, but he is doing well for his size." Then "now we just have to be concerned with infections such as pneumonia. We don't want him to get that(duh). He is doing really well with the food, he seems to tolerate it, but that could change and we might have to take him off and on it several times. We took the line out of his arm because his hands were looking white and babies have been known to loose fingers because of this!!!" WHAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! This is why I would rather not talk to the Dr. and just the nurses. I have been told that she is the best Dr., but if anything falls off my baby there will be a lawsuit.

It is so emotionally draining. I have a lot of feelings of guilt and I'm still recovering from surgery. I just want this summer to go by quickly so I can take my baby home.